paraka | So....

So....

Anyone here know how hard it is to become a hermit? Because I'm seriously considering it.

It's got to be better to consciously decide to be alone, and never expect anyone rather than expect people and be disappointed and hurt by it.

I'm the type of person who's nice. I go out of my way to help people and try and be nice, but I really have to think about changing all that, because I put other peoples needs before mine, and really, sometimes that just comes back to bite you in the ass. I try to be there, and be understanding, and make sure that everyone is happy, even if it puts me out and then I end up with second best, or if I do try and get what I want I end up alone.

God I spent half the evening mentally writing this post; in great detail. Now I'm just to upset and tiered, and wow, still have things for other people to get done, so don't really have time. So instead you get this vague cranky post.

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I have considered hermitude several times. Sometimes people are so disillusioning :( *hugs*

IT can't be that hard. In fact, I've done it before, and really enjoyed it, I just have the type of family that will hunt me down and find me.

*looks at vague cranky post and offers virtual hugs*

You do realise you are allowed to say 'no' sometimes? That it isn't selfish to take care of yourself? That, if you fell over tomorrow, someone else could step in (okay, they'd need training if it's at work, and they wouldn't be you)? So what do you gain by knocking yourself over?

Maybe because I'm a pragmatist, which is probably because I'm the only girl amongst 4 brothers, and what with being one of the three of us who is disabled - but I learned at a very early age that if I don't look out for myself first, I won't be able to be there for others. So many women have been taught to look at this the other way around. Which benefits others, but not us.

And now I'm going to fall off my soapbox... *g*

I know I should say no, but mostly I'm insecure. I had big rambly thoughts on Friday about my insecurities, but still, short of becoming a hermit, I don't know if I'll ever really be able to say "no".

Also, it's not really work that's bothering me. It's a lot, and I've been working 10 hour days to get it closer to done, but I don't begrudge the extra time.

Actually the taken advantage of isn't so much people demanding things from me in the particular situation, it's more me not demanding more from others. Taking crumbs rather than getting what I deserve.

being one of the three of us who is disabled
Oh? I don't think I knew that....

Thanks for the comment, it's nice when you can come onto LJ and have your friends help you out :)

*cackle*

It is probably because I'm disabled that I'm so independant and bloody minded. I come from a family of 5 kids, and our genetic condition got #1, #4 and #5. I'm #4 and the only girl. Mum had it too, which is how we got it as it is a dominant trait. We Spinal Muscular Atrophy, which is basically like a genetic form of polio. So, with mum and us disabled kids outnumbering the rest of the family we ruled the world!!!!! *veg*

The main thing it taught me was to look after myself, and that to do so wasn't selfish. I learned to pace myself young, and have never let it stop me doing anything, from working full time to travelling. I've slowed down now, but I'm 47 yrs old so I'm entitled...

It can be a hard lesson to learn, that you are allowed as much space and care as anyone else. And to not feel guilty taking that space. Even if it isn't offered.

*hugs*

Thanks :)

I'm the type of person who's nice. I go out of my way to help people and try and be nice, but I really have to think about changing all that, because I put other peoples needs before mine, and really, sometimes that just comes back to bite you in the ass.
I so know the feeling. *hugs* That's why I enjoy being alone.

That's why I enjoy being alone.

Yeah, I just want to be alone today, but I can't because it's Canada Day, and normally I *love* Canada day, but I just don't want to be around people right now. *sigh*

That's really sad. What do you do on Canada Day?

Well I always go down to my grandparents place and spend the day with family. I get a lot of weird looks from people because I live in Canada's capital but have never been to a Canada Day celebration on the hill. :P

Every year there's a parade, and they turn the park into a fair ground. It's been getting kind of crappy in the past couple of years, but this year the parade wasn't bad. I didn't even check out the park, but some of the kids did, and the younger ones had fun (the older ones said it was geared towards little kids too much for them to have fun).

Then at night they put on a fireworks show. I actually didn't make it this year for the fireworks, we headed home early.

I actually tried to get drunk yesterday in the hopes that that would make the crowds a bit easier, and well, I didn't quite make it to drunk (I'm not exactly a light weight, so it's really hard for me to get drunk without doing shots) but it did make it easier. I was kind of angry at people in the morning, but come afternoon we were all hanging out, and I managed to disturb my father which was fun :P

I'm not exactly a light weight, so it's really hard for me to get drunk without doing shots
Same here. I actually never tried getting drunk, but I can drink a lot and nobody would even notice it. It must be in my genes... But I don't like alcohol very much anyway, so I rarely drink it.

The only thing I would have liked were the fireworks. But I normally don't see them because it's always so late...

Yeah, I don't drink that much either. I don't like the taste of alcohol to just want, like, a glass of wine or a bottle of beer or whatever. And well, there are appealing things about getting drunk (although I've never been so drunk that I've been hung over or don't remember, I have done something stupid, but it wasn't the end of the world), but like I said, it takes a lot. I had 5 drinks yesterday, and the only effect I felt was I got a little bit dizzy when I reached down for something. That was it.

The only thing I would have liked were the fireworks.
OMG I don't think I'll ever be able to think of fireworks, and not think of China. On Chinese New Years there were so many fireworks that we had to yell at each other to be heard, and we were at home in our apartment. It actually sounded like we were being invaded and bombs were being dropped it was sooooo loud.

I saw the most amazing fireworks in Brazil. But I can imagine how it must have felt in China. I mean, most of the things are produced there.

Last year, I felt a bit dizzy after doing a drinking game. But we were at home, so it was okay,

But I can imagine how it must have felt in China.
Actually they weren't very good. It was more of a quantity vs. quality thing.

The coolest fireworks I've ever seen was at this show the local casino puts on, where they have groups from all over the world come and compete. The fire works go on for like an hour, and they set them to music. I heard that it's a couple million dollars a night worth of fireworks.

I know exactly what you mean, and if I could write it as articulately as you have I'd have written the exact same words in my LJ many times.

*hugs*

Aww, *hugs*

It sucks when people take you for granted, or take and never give back.

As for articulate... wow, :S if you say so....

I've wanted to write that, or somthing like that, for a while. for one person in particular who I know will read it. but I always end up sounding whiny so I delete it and never actually post it.

Should be brave enough to just say it I guess.

Anway, take care of you OK? *hugs*

Should be brave enough to just say it I guess.
Hey, I just went and made a post about what's really bothering me, but first went and made a new filter so that the person who really should be reading it will be filtered out. So I totally understand.

And you know, one of the things about LJ is that for the most part, when you make a post and complain about things in RL, everyone here is on your side. I mean you talk about your bitchy boss? We all agree, even if you said the same thing to a co-worker they'd tell you you're being whiny. I say go ahead and post.

Anway, take care of you OK? *hugs*
I'm really not sure how to in this situation :S If I say something probably everything will be ruined, if I don't say anything I'm going to have this festering resentment building. I just don't know.....

I know all about the festering resentment of not saying anything cos I'm feeling it right now. Nuh. There's no easy answer. I do think thought that people do things in their own time and when they're ready and for some people it takes longer than others. One day you'll decide (as will I) that you've had enough of being treated like this and you'll walk away from the situation knowing that the time is right and that you're doing the right thing. No-one can tell you when to do that though cos it's different for everyone.

Until then though we have to learn to live with the resentment I think.

*hugs*

OK, I have to ask, and feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but what's happening that has you so upset? Is it a RL person? Or an on-line person (since you're uncomfortable posting it to LJ)? What's (s)he doing?

Right now, I just don' know if I want to go through with this weekend if it means all the extra stupid traveling. I'm thinking about talking to the other girl, Kristen, who's coming down, and seeing if she would be up for changing the week we did this. 'Cause at this point, I don't know if I'll even enjoy it.

It's an online person and sometimes they drive me crazy with their selfishenss but I'm also to blame for letting them.

i think it's a good diea changing the weekend if you can cos it really doesn't sound like you'll enjoy it the way things are right now.

Ah selfishness. It always surprises me, but there's an aweful lot of selfishness online. In RL too, but sometimes it's worse online.

i think it's a good diea changing the weekend
I'm going to try it at least.

*pets you a lot*

Thanks! I'm actually feeling a lot better today. I spoke to the people about the thing that originally set me off, so hopefully it won't happen again, and I came up with a possible alternative for the thing that was really making me upset. Here's hoping it works out.

listen to what the others said. *hugs*

on a differnt note, if you email me your address i can burn vegas for you and send it (if you're still interested). no way i'm gonna get the sucker uploaded with my crappy connection. -.-

Thanks :)

on a differnt note, if you email me your address i can burn vegas for you and send it (if you're still interested).
Aww, thanks! That's so nice of you. I did actually get my hands on it though. After you mentioned it, I got kind of desperate (normally I just download things that I come across, but this time I went and searched for it) so I found a copy.

Actually if you've figured out how to use it, or found a good tutorial I wouldn't say no. All I've done with it so far is fiddle since it was kind of confusing, and I was working under a deadline, so gave up on it.

Ah, okay. I kept being away all the time and when I was here and remembered to try and get it up, the upload would always bail on me. But if you got it I don't need to worry about that anymore. :)

Dude, that program is confusing me even more than Premiere is. -.-; I keep thinking there just has to be a vid community for noobs like us, doesn't there? *hands* So far vidding for me has consisted mostly of struggling with programs and reading tons of unhelpful guides. *sighs*

Sorry I didn't tell you earlier! And thank you so much of thinking of me!

Dude, that program is confusing me even more than Premiere is. -.-;
I... don't actually find Premiere that hard. It scared me for a while, but once I actually figured it out it was really simple.
Granted I'm using Premiere Elements which has no where near as much extras and shit. Granted it's being bitchy right now and freezing up my computer...

If you want to ask some questions about Premiere though, I'd be happy to help. I could probably send you a copy of the version I'm using now, and do up a little tutorial if you'd like (although I don't know how far you are in vidding/how stuck you are on Premiere....)

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